I took a break in writing...like a few years worth of a break!

I had actually forgotten about this blog until someone mentioned it to me the other day, wanted to know if I was still writing.  I said no and when they asked why I didn't really have an answer.  My initial reaction was that I just didn't have anything to say, but that's a lie...I have a million things to say every single day.  I usually just say them internally to out loud to myself when I'm driving to and from work/hockey/kids events every day.

So much has changed since I last wrote here in 2011 and yet so many things are still the same.  It's still me and my crazy boys although they are significantly older now.  Jacob is 13 and truly my little man.  He is so thoughtful and caring while still trying to be a cool teenager.  Connor is 11 going on 16 and has the attitude I always assumed Jacob would give me.  As always he is the one who challenges me and reminds me that being a mother means always being able to think on your feet, especially under pressure!  Ty is 10 and still my baby, although he is desperately trying to be a big kid like this brothers.  He still loves to snuggle with me in the morning before school and that I am going to take as long as I can get it. We recently started going to church together and as I re-discover my own faith I'm so very much enjoying watching him find his own.

We bought and renovated an entire house, which was cool and crazy (and expensive!) all at once, but I truly love our home.  Every inch of that space is ours and exactly the way I envisioned it.  It's far from grand, but it's our home.

I recently met someone, a wonderful, incredible man who continues to shock me every day.  Although the shock is more about me than him.  Shocking to find someone who I could be totally and utterly in love with literally from the very beginning, from the moment we met.  And yet here I am...2 months into a whirlwind romance loving him a little bit more every day and wondering how on earth it has taken me 35 (long) years to meet someone as incredible as this man. He has three incredible daughters whose personalities I am still trying to figure out, but so far I have to say they are in fact in the margin of very few children (outside of my own) that I enjoy spending time with!  They are all small versions, in one way or other, of him - although I'm not sure that he sees it all the time.

He recently suffered 2 terrible tragedies...and as I struggle to figure out how to help support him through this difficult time I found myself thinking back to my writing and how in the past, getting word to paper always seemed to shed light on a situation.  Perhaps not for some stranger reading, but more for me. I suppose I hope that I will hit the publish button and all the wisdom of the world will come to me.  Or perhaps, this will merely be just another stream on consciousness out on the internet...but at the very least, a little bit of me out there.

10 years ago today

I have been trying to find the words...something elegant or even witty to say about Jacob turning 10. And they are all but escaping me. I'm still finding it hard to believe that I have been someone's mother for an entire decade.

Maybe the words will come to me as the day progresses. As I remember just exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling at this moment 10 years ago. So for now I will just say Happy Birthday Jacob. You make this world a better place to be just because you are in it. Mommy loves you.

Ramblings of a busy mom

A friend of mine posted this on her blog and I couldn't help but copy and paste it here...mostly as a reminder to myself. I often times find myself so busy with 'life'...have to get the boys to school, daycare, hockey, soccer, have to get myself to work or a meeting or just finish this proposal. Have to get home, make dinner, clean the bathroom, mow the lawn. I am constantly thinking 18 steps ahead and wondering what's next? Where do I need to be? What do I need to do? I forget to stop and enjoy my life. I forget to stop sweating the little things and enjoy my children, and the beauty that is my life. They are at this moment 9, 8 and 7. When I say that to people they look at me like I have 6 heads and they say "wow, you must be busy! Are you crazy?" Sometimes I feel crazy...when life is whipping by at a million miles an hour...it's days like those that I have to remind myself to stop and enjoy that my boys are 9, 8 and 7 because they will never be these ages again and I will miss this time. This is my reminder...to enjoy where we are right this moment and stop thinking 18 steps ahead.

The funny thing about writing in a blog is that you're putting your words out there into cyber-world not knowing who is going to read them or how they will interpret what you're trying to say. (Which is part of the reason I have stayed away from here for so long...lots to say but not sure how to say it) I for one am notorious for taking 15 minutes to say what could very well me said in 2 minutes because I just can't find the right words or don't want the first thing that pops into my head to be mis-understood. I'm one of those people who has to work really hard to remember to use my filter...because honestly, walking down the street with me you are likely to hear me say "do you not own a mirror? And if you did, did you not look at it this morning?" Honest, yes. Appropriate, no.

I'm struggling with finding the right words right now in my life. I've been trying to explain something to someone but I don't want it to come out the wrong way or be mis-understood. I'm struggling between allowing three words to speak volumes and trying to quantify that with something more. When is enough, enough. When is less more?

The boys and I have had a number of changes in our lives since the last time I wrote in my blog...and sometimes saying nothing is more powerful than finding the perfect words.

The Four Musketeers

I was reminded last week that I hadn't written in here in a while...and looking back it's been a long while. This person reminded me how much they enjoyed reading my words and admired my courage for putting my thoughts out there for the entire world to see. Once something is out there on the Internet it's there forever. It got me to thinking that perhaps I just didn't have anything to say that I wanted kept for all of time.

So many things have changed in a year. Once again our family dynamic has changed dramatically, and once again my boys have been disappointed by someone they trusted. However, I am amazed at the strength that they have, they have tought me many lessons over the past few months. They have tought me strenght and courage and determination. We have gotten through these last few months and come out the other end a stronger family. The Four Musketeers.

Jacob's birthday is in a few short weeks. It's so hard to believe that my first baby is almost 9. I have lately been amazed at the speed in which time passes when you have children. Once day they are infants, the next boys taking their mother's on a date to the movies. J still struggles with the changes that our family has undergone in the past few years. And while I worry that all of his "being the man of the house" will inevitably change him, I only hope it is for the better. He sometimes seems like the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders, more like that of a 30 year old than an 8 year old. And then there are days, like this past Thursday, where he acted like a typical boy...and made me laugh so hard with his Lady Gaga impersonations that I cried.

Connor is still my special boy. He makes me so frustrated I want to tear my hair out and 2 seconds later makes my heart smile with his infectious smile. While I've seen him make huge strides in the changes in his behaviour I worry that we have gone 10 steps forward and are now working our way back. Part of me hopes that this is just a "testing boundaries" phase in his life, but considering what Connor and I have dealt with in the past I worry that perhaps this is something else. For now it's a wait and see. Smother him with my love and my understanding and pray that this is life testing us both.

Ty...I am always at a loss as to what to say about Ty. All of a sudden he is no longer my baby. Days of co-sleeping and morning hugs are long gone and in their place has found attitude and more attitude. He is still my boy with the infectious laugh that makes even the worst of days seem irrelevant. But lately he tests my patience. He is reminding me that each of my boys need a different type of mother and different strategy of parenting. But most of my he needs my un-conditional love. It seems to be some days the one part of parenting that I don't struggle with.

I suppose all the issues we have are normal parent/child issues. They feel so much larger when I'm dealing with them on my own. I wonder if things had turned out differently for our family if these struggles would be normal everyday issues? Would they still feel so huge to me? Would they still feel like personal failures? Or would just be our lives?

A much needed update!

I guess I let things slip around here! Seems that life is constantly getting in the way...and in the craziness of living that life I get too exhausted to write about it! Just last night I was watching a movie with a friend of mine, it was an adaption of a novel I'd already read. Much to my dismay it had sub-titles and while I'm not opposed to sub-titles...well, I'd already read the book and I was too tired to read the movie as well!

I received an email from an old friend yesterday and my response to him really was an honest account of life in the past few months.

*******************

Hey you,

I always smile when I see your emails in my inbox! Makes me remember that spring in Vancouver & Victoria and laugh at the craziness of it all. Feels like a lifetime ago!

Life here in Ottawa is good…busy, but good. The boys are well and growing so fast I sometimes have to take a step back from the chaos and just take it all in. Jacob (oldest) is in hockey this year and it seems like my Saturday and Sunday mornings (at 6am!) are spent in cold hockey arenas. I look forward to the warmer months when we’re playing soccer and baseball in the sun!

Work is going well…some struggles (as in I wish I could win millions and not have to work) and I find myself struggling to find my place in the world and do something that truly makes me happy. While I am confident that I will get to that place sometime soon…it is sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Andrew is still in Toronto and still looking for a job here. Our hope is to have him here by summer…but no holding my breath!

Sorry to hear of issues with your ex still…my issues as well continue but I hope to see them resolved soon.

We did just book a trip to Cuba and leave the 5th of February for 7 wonderful days…I can already feel the sun on my face and the sand on my toes. And of course the drink in my hand!

One of these days I will get back out west…I think I say that every time we email, but it will happen one day!

Take care.

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In re-reading my response to my friend it makes me see that perhaps I'm not as happy with my current life-situation as I let on. For some reason I have been finding it increasingly harder to just "roll with the punches" as I have always done in the past. I can't quite pin-point what it is precisely...I just hope to be able to figure it out soon!

First Day of School

I always find the first day of school exciting. I did, even as a child (and I was never a fan of school to begin with) but the first day is exciting. Finding out who your teacher is, who is in your class, carrying your new backpack, picking out the right outfit for the first day...that is exciting stuff! Except I'm a girl and apparently only girls get excited about picking out an outfit for the first day of school...go figure! The added excitement was that all three boys are starting at a brand new school...they just finished building it on Friday! I am happy because it's SO much closer than their old school and the boys are happy because it's so close to my work that I can now drop them off and pick them up....EVERY DAY! I guess it's the small things when you're a kid...

So today it was J and C's turn. J couldn't have cared less...he wanted to go back to sleep and then put his bathing suit on and go for a boat ride. C on the other hand, flew out of bed, had his teeth brushed, hair done, bed made and himself dressed in the length of time it took me to open my eyes and put my feet on the floor.

We got to the school and realized that they already have friends in each of their classes (their father would say it's their step-sisters...I'm not there yet so we're sticking with friends) and while it's nice to know that each of the boys knows at least one person in their class we had been hoping that they could have been in separate classes as the kids already spend so much time together as it is and they just need a break from each other.

So here we go...another new school year, another year older, another grade older. I held up like a trooper and am proud to say there were no tears on my part today...or at least not until I got back to the car!