The funny thing about writing in a blog is that you're putting your words out there into cyber-world not knowing who is going to read them or how they will interpret what you're trying to say. (Which is part of the reason I have stayed away from here for so long...lots to say but not sure how to say it) I for one am notorious for taking 15 minutes to say what could very well me said in 2 minutes because I just can't find the right words or don't want the first thing that pops into my head to be mis-understood. I'm one of those people who has to work really hard to remember to use my filter...because honestly, walking down the street with me you are likely to hear me say "do you not own a mirror? And if you did, did you not look at it this morning?" Honest, yes. Appropriate, no.

I'm struggling with finding the right words right now in my life. I've been trying to explain something to someone but I don't want it to come out the wrong way or be mis-understood. I'm struggling between allowing three words to speak volumes and trying to quantify that with something more. When is enough, enough. When is less more?

The boys and I have had a number of changes in our lives since the last time I wrote in my blog...and sometimes saying nothing is more powerful than finding the perfect words.

The Four Musketeers

I was reminded last week that I hadn't written in here in a while...and looking back it's been a long while. This person reminded me how much they enjoyed reading my words and admired my courage for putting my thoughts out there for the entire world to see. Once something is out there on the Internet it's there forever. It got me to thinking that perhaps I just didn't have anything to say that I wanted kept for all of time.

So many things have changed in a year. Once again our family dynamic has changed dramatically, and once again my boys have been disappointed by someone they trusted. However, I am amazed at the strength that they have, they have tought me many lessons over the past few months. They have tought me strenght and courage and determination. We have gotten through these last few months and come out the other end a stronger family. The Four Musketeers.

Jacob's birthday is in a few short weeks. It's so hard to believe that my first baby is almost 9. I have lately been amazed at the speed in which time passes when you have children. Once day they are infants, the next boys taking their mother's on a date to the movies. J still struggles with the changes that our family has undergone in the past few years. And while I worry that all of his "being the man of the house" will inevitably change him, I only hope it is for the better. He sometimes seems like the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders, more like that of a 30 year old than an 8 year old. And then there are days, like this past Thursday, where he acted like a typical boy...and made me laugh so hard with his Lady Gaga impersonations that I cried.

Connor is still my special boy. He makes me so frustrated I want to tear my hair out and 2 seconds later makes my heart smile with his infectious smile. While I've seen him make huge strides in the changes in his behaviour I worry that we have gone 10 steps forward and are now working our way back. Part of me hopes that this is just a "testing boundaries" phase in his life, but considering what Connor and I have dealt with in the past I worry that perhaps this is something else. For now it's a wait and see. Smother him with my love and my understanding and pray that this is life testing us both.

Ty...I am always at a loss as to what to say about Ty. All of a sudden he is no longer my baby. Days of co-sleeping and morning hugs are long gone and in their place has found attitude and more attitude. He is still my boy with the infectious laugh that makes even the worst of days seem irrelevant. But lately he tests my patience. He is reminding me that each of my boys need a different type of mother and different strategy of parenting. But most of my he needs my un-conditional love. It seems to be some days the one part of parenting that I don't struggle with.

I suppose all the issues we have are normal parent/child issues. They feel so much larger when I'm dealing with them on my own. I wonder if things had turned out differently for our family if these struggles would be normal everyday issues? Would they still feel so huge to me? Would they still feel like personal failures? Or would just be our lives?

A much needed update!

I guess I let things slip around here! Seems that life is constantly getting in the way...and in the craziness of living that life I get too exhausted to write about it! Just last night I was watching a movie with a friend of mine, it was an adaption of a novel I'd already read. Much to my dismay it had sub-titles and while I'm not opposed to sub-titles...well, I'd already read the book and I was too tired to read the movie as well!

I received an email from an old friend yesterday and my response to him really was an honest account of life in the past few months.

*******************

Hey you,

I always smile when I see your emails in my inbox! Makes me remember that spring in Vancouver & Victoria and laugh at the craziness of it all. Feels like a lifetime ago!

Life here in Ottawa is good…busy, but good. The boys are well and growing so fast I sometimes have to take a step back from the chaos and just take it all in. Jacob (oldest) is in hockey this year and it seems like my Saturday and Sunday mornings (at 6am!) are spent in cold hockey arenas. I look forward to the warmer months when we’re playing soccer and baseball in the sun!

Work is going well…some struggles (as in I wish I could win millions and not have to work) and I find myself struggling to find my place in the world and do something that truly makes me happy. While I am confident that I will get to that place sometime soon…it is sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Andrew is still in Toronto and still looking for a job here. Our hope is to have him here by summer…but no holding my breath!

Sorry to hear of issues with your ex still…my issues as well continue but I hope to see them resolved soon.

We did just book a trip to Cuba and leave the 5th of February for 7 wonderful days…I can already feel the sun on my face and the sand on my toes. And of course the drink in my hand!

One of these days I will get back out west…I think I say that every time we email, but it will happen one day!

Take care.

*******

In re-reading my response to my friend it makes me see that perhaps I'm not as happy with my current life-situation as I let on. For some reason I have been finding it increasingly harder to just "roll with the punches" as I have always done in the past. I can't quite pin-point what it is precisely...I just hope to be able to figure it out soon!

First Day of School

I always find the first day of school exciting. I did, even as a child (and I was never a fan of school to begin with) but the first day is exciting. Finding out who your teacher is, who is in your class, carrying your new backpack, picking out the right outfit for the first day...that is exciting stuff! Except I'm a girl and apparently only girls get excited about picking out an outfit for the first day of school...go figure! The added excitement was that all three boys are starting at a brand new school...they just finished building it on Friday! I am happy because it's SO much closer than their old school and the boys are happy because it's so close to my work that I can now drop them off and pick them up....EVERY DAY! I guess it's the small things when you're a kid...

So today it was J and C's turn. J couldn't have cared less...he wanted to go back to sleep and then put his bathing suit on and go for a boat ride. C on the other hand, flew out of bed, had his teeth brushed, hair done, bed made and himself dressed in the length of time it took me to open my eyes and put my feet on the floor.

We got to the school and realized that they already have friends in each of their classes (their father would say it's their step-sisters...I'm not there yet so we're sticking with friends) and while it's nice to know that each of the boys knows at least one person in their class we had been hoping that they could have been in separate classes as the kids already spend so much time together as it is and they just need a break from each other.

So here we go...another new school year, another year older, another grade older. I held up like a trooper and am proud to say there were no tears on my part today...or at least not until I got back to the car!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Today Jacob turns 8. It's kind of crazy to think about having an 8 year old! 8 years ago I don't think I really thought about having an 8 year old. In all reality at the time, I probably didn't think much past the baby's next feeding, next diaper change or how engorged I was. But today he's 8...and yet all those new baby concerns feel like only days ago, I still remember them all so clearly.

Of course this year J's birthday falls on a "daddy day" and I was a bit concerned that I wouldn't get to talk to him today because his father is always so great about letting me talk to the boys when they are with him. But this morning he called me, all he said was "Hi" and I knew what he was waiting for. I wished him happy birthday and then again he was silent. I asked him if he was ok and in his usual J manner said "yup" I knew what he was going to ask because he asks the same thing every year on his birthday, just normally he's with me for that day. A few more moments of silence and then we had this conversation:

J: Mom, tell me what time I was born at?
Me: 5:26am
J: in the morning?
Me: yes, in the morning!
J: Tell me how long you were awake for before I was born?
Me: the whole day before and the whole night before.
J: Tell me who was there
Me: well, everybody. Everybody was so excited to meet you that they all waiting at the hospital with me until you got here. Daddy was there. Grammie and Poppa, Sissy, Nanna and Grandpa. Even Dr. Millar stayed all night just to meet you.
J: how happy were you when I finally was born?
Me: J, mommy was so happy that she thought her heart was going to explode with happy.

Every year on the boys birthdays I tell them the story of the day they were born and we look at pictures of when they were babies. I figured with J being at his dad's and being an 8 year old boy he would probably just forget, I mean really...how many times does a kid want to hear the same story??? But I guess he likes hearing "his story" as much as I like telling it. Telling a story about the day your world changed forever is a great thing to be able to tell...it's even more amazing when someone else wants to hear it just as much.

Happy Birthday Jacob, mommy loves you.

Vacation - Day 6

Our last full day of vacation...it's amazing how quickly a week of vacation goes by. A week of work? That drags on forever! A week of spending time with your children? Files by before you even know it!

We had been debating on what to do for our last day of vacation...we are trying to not spend too much money but at the same time A and I really wanted to make it a great week for the boys. After getting some bad news on Wednesday evening we decided to just go for it and make the most of our time in Toronto. So another morning up bright and early and we headed out to Wonderland.

There is SO much that I could write about this day but I'm still not sure how to really put into words this day in particular. This day (for me anyways) ended up being so much more than just a really fun day at an amusement park...this day we felt like a real family for the first time ever. I didn't feel like we were playing family, we just were one. And so our day at Wonderland was fun, and I have tons of great memories of the boys playing at the HUGE waterpark, going on rollercoasters and doing a mini bungee jump. But I have even better memories of us as a family and those memories are impossible to photograph or put into a creative story...it is a day that I will treasure forever.

Vacation - Day 5

If you know me (and my boys) you know that I make a point of never making plans early in the morning unless absolutely necessary. Mainly because we are not morning people, by that I mean none of us are horribly pleasant before 9am...and lots of caffeine!

However, today as an exception we headed out to Oakville to have our pictures taken by my good friend Meghan. Huge plug for Meghan Liddle Photography here (http://www.meghanliddlephotography.com/) ...she is AMAZING! If you are in the Toronto area check her out...trust me. So Meghan met up with us at a beautiful park in Oakville, right along the water. If we were able to move to Toronto I would move to this particular part of Oakville, it was absolutely gorgeous. Oh, A would want me to remind you that we would both need some pretty spectacular jobs in order for us to AFFORD to buy a house there...but we could always just camp out in one of their beautiful parks! Meghan did a great job at keep the boys involved and excited about having their pictures taken and got (what I think) are some pretty great shots. We should have them back soon and I will post a few for everyone to see.

After our photo shoot we headed out to Niagara on the Lake. It was a bit longer of a drive than I had remembered and by this point the boys were tired of being stuck in a car so the details of that particular drive are currently being wiped from my memory. We had a great picnic when we arrived and let the boys blow off some steam by throwing rocks at seagulls. Really they were throwing rocks at the water...I think a few seagulls just happened to get in the way!

Unfortunately though eventually you have to get home...and the boys were not happy about that! Who can blame them though? It's tough for anyone to sit in a car for long periods of time...let alone three boys crammed in the back seat of a Honda Civic! Before we go on vacation next year we have promised the boys we will buy a bigger car...or a bus!