Reflections

So, tomorrow we go back to court...maybe for the last time, maybe not. The problem with these things is you just never know where it's going to go. You hope that you get a judge that knows family law and isn't just filling in. You hope that said judge has actually read the briefs that they get, and you hope that they ask questions and get both sides of the story before they make a decision. Tomorrow has the possibility of being a big day. The day that we finally get a decision and get to move on with our lives. It's not for lack of trying, trust me. I have done everything in my power to end this...I've been trying for several years now. Unfortunately that would take two people to come to an understanding and if you'd ever met my ex-husband you would understand that that is unlikely to ever happen! I have mixed emotions about tomorrow. I have no idea what is going to happen, what could happen or what I even hope will happen. I am trying to go into tomorrow very indifferent.

I will do what I told another mom-friend of mine who is going through a difficult divorce right now. "Sometimes taking life a day at a time is too much. Something you need to take it an hour at a time, get through the first hour and don't worry about what's to come or what has already happened, just worry about that moment" And so tomorrow I think I will be taking my day minute by minute...one foot in front of another.

One thing that going back to court always does is makes me remember the way my life was before this tornado that I now call life. I can think back to a time when I could put my head on my husbands shoulder and just sigh and he knew that sigh meant: "I love you, I'm glad you're home, I need 5 minutes to shower in peace, and oh yeah can you take out the trash" I can also think back to a time when I had the best friend in the world that I could ring up any time of the day or night just to chat, to vent, to cry. Someone who understood that when I said "I want to give them away to a circus" she would respond with "think they have a two for one special"? That I really did love my children, I just needed 5 minutes. I miss that time. I don't miss all the sad, angry stuff that goes with that time in my life...but I miss the simplicity of what I thought my life was all about.

I guess it comes down to missing what used to be, or at least what I thought it was. I used to live in a glass bubble my "Brady Bunch life" as someone once called it. Where life were always perfect, the sun was always shining and people never disappointed you. It never once occurred to me that my life would ever be anything other than that...kind of like that movie the Truman Show! That reflection however always come to the sad parts...the parts where it came to a screeching halt and I realized that my life was nothing like I thought it was. I was going to have to create a whole new life and life a whole new normal. I still struggle with my new normal, although I'm learning to love my new normal more and more...and miss that old bubble less and less.

And with that, every once in a while I catch a glimpse of what my life will be again and I smile. I smile at the idea of having someone who know exactly what my sigh means, and someone I can call at anytime of the day when I need their advice or shoulder to lean on. Except this time I won't take it for granted. I will treasure every second of it because I know that it might not last forever...but I can still hope it will.