Losing

Losing sucks. There isn't a nice, happy, glass is half full way to put it, it just sucks.

I won't get into all the nitty gritty because that would take days, possibly weeks to write out, and honestly it's just not all that interesting. The short version of this long story is that two years ago I made a decision to let the boys spend more time with their father. I felt that they needed a father around more than just every second weekend, I also felt that their father was finally up to the challenge of being a full time parent and I needed him to start doing that. I thought long and hard about how this change would affect the boys and I talked with them about it quite a bit. They were happy to get to spend more time with their father, the idea of two homes was a bit exciting to them. And so, I went against my own feelings and did what I thought was best for my boys after all, as a parent isn't that our most important job. Fast forward two years, to a courtroom with a bunch of strangers and a judge who confirmed my worst fear. I had made a horrible decision, I failed my children and there was now nothing that could be done about it. I need to suck it up and learn to deal with my ex-husband, which in his eyes means he calls the shots and I follow along.

When all was said and done yesterday, 6 hours, a fire drill, yelling, screaming and yes even some crying...I felt like a complete failure as a mother. Yes, that is irrational and crazy. However, that's the crazy thing about feelings sometimes even when we know they aren't valid we can't help but feel them. I have let down my children. I will have to continue sending them to a home where I know they are not happy. They are safe, their basic needs are taken care of but after that? I couldn't say for certain that they are loved as much as they should be, that they are hugged enough or that their emotional well being is being thought about. They ask how many sleeps they will be gone and beg to come home earlier and I feel horrible when I have to say no. I'm their mother! Shouldn't I be able to step in and save the day when they are sad or hurting?? They are being used as pawns in a horrible game, and that makes me sad for them. I know that one day they will be old enough to see what has gone on, old enough to understand all the things that have transpired in the last four years and I pray that they can see that the decisions that I made for them were ones that I truly felt where best for them.

I'm all over the map today going from being angry to frustrated and just plan sad. I've been crying at the drop of a hat (and by now my co-workers must think I'm a nut) I'm just trying to process what's actually happened and how the boys and I move forward from here. That is going to take a while, and once again we need to learn to live with our new "normal"