Losing

Losing sucks. There isn't a nice, happy, glass is half full way to put it, it just sucks.

I won't get into all the nitty gritty because that would take days, possibly weeks to write out, and honestly it's just not all that interesting. The short version of this long story is that two years ago I made a decision to let the boys spend more time with their father. I felt that they needed a father around more than just every second weekend, I also felt that their father was finally up to the challenge of being a full time parent and I needed him to start doing that. I thought long and hard about how this change would affect the boys and I talked with them about it quite a bit. They were happy to get to spend more time with their father, the idea of two homes was a bit exciting to them. And so, I went against my own feelings and did what I thought was best for my boys after all, as a parent isn't that our most important job. Fast forward two years, to a courtroom with a bunch of strangers and a judge who confirmed my worst fear. I had made a horrible decision, I failed my children and there was now nothing that could be done about it. I need to suck it up and learn to deal with my ex-husband, which in his eyes means he calls the shots and I follow along.

When all was said and done yesterday, 6 hours, a fire drill, yelling, screaming and yes even some crying...I felt like a complete failure as a mother. Yes, that is irrational and crazy. However, that's the crazy thing about feelings sometimes even when we know they aren't valid we can't help but feel them. I have let down my children. I will have to continue sending them to a home where I know they are not happy. They are safe, their basic needs are taken care of but after that? I couldn't say for certain that they are loved as much as they should be, that they are hugged enough or that their emotional well being is being thought about. They ask how many sleeps they will be gone and beg to come home earlier and I feel horrible when I have to say no. I'm their mother! Shouldn't I be able to step in and save the day when they are sad or hurting?? They are being used as pawns in a horrible game, and that makes me sad for them. I know that one day they will be old enough to see what has gone on, old enough to understand all the things that have transpired in the last four years and I pray that they can see that the decisions that I made for them were ones that I truly felt where best for them.

I'm all over the map today going from being angry to frustrated and just plan sad. I've been crying at the drop of a hat (and by now my co-workers must think I'm a nut) I'm just trying to process what's actually happened and how the boys and I move forward from here. That is going to take a while, and once again we need to learn to live with our new "normal"

Reflections

So, tomorrow we go back to court...maybe for the last time, maybe not. The problem with these things is you just never know where it's going to go. You hope that you get a judge that knows family law and isn't just filling in. You hope that said judge has actually read the briefs that they get, and you hope that they ask questions and get both sides of the story before they make a decision. Tomorrow has the possibility of being a big day. The day that we finally get a decision and get to move on with our lives. It's not for lack of trying, trust me. I have done everything in my power to end this...I've been trying for several years now. Unfortunately that would take two people to come to an understanding and if you'd ever met my ex-husband you would understand that that is unlikely to ever happen! I have mixed emotions about tomorrow. I have no idea what is going to happen, what could happen or what I even hope will happen. I am trying to go into tomorrow very indifferent.

I will do what I told another mom-friend of mine who is going through a difficult divorce right now. "Sometimes taking life a day at a time is too much. Something you need to take it an hour at a time, get through the first hour and don't worry about what's to come or what has already happened, just worry about that moment" And so tomorrow I think I will be taking my day minute by minute...one foot in front of another.

One thing that going back to court always does is makes me remember the way my life was before this tornado that I now call life. I can think back to a time when I could put my head on my husbands shoulder and just sigh and he knew that sigh meant: "I love you, I'm glad you're home, I need 5 minutes to shower in peace, and oh yeah can you take out the trash" I can also think back to a time when I had the best friend in the world that I could ring up any time of the day or night just to chat, to vent, to cry. Someone who understood that when I said "I want to give them away to a circus" she would respond with "think they have a two for one special"? That I really did love my children, I just needed 5 minutes. I miss that time. I don't miss all the sad, angry stuff that goes with that time in my life...but I miss the simplicity of what I thought my life was all about.

I guess it comes down to missing what used to be, or at least what I thought it was. I used to live in a glass bubble my "Brady Bunch life" as someone once called it. Where life were always perfect, the sun was always shining and people never disappointed you. It never once occurred to me that my life would ever be anything other than that...kind of like that movie the Truman Show! That reflection however always come to the sad parts...the parts where it came to a screeching halt and I realized that my life was nothing like I thought it was. I was going to have to create a whole new life and life a whole new normal. I still struggle with my new normal, although I'm learning to love my new normal more and more...and miss that old bubble less and less.

And with that, every once in a while I catch a glimpse of what my life will be again and I smile. I smile at the idea of having someone who know exactly what my sigh means, and someone I can call at anytime of the day when I need their advice or shoulder to lean on. Except this time I won't take it for granted. I will treasure every second of it because I know that it might not last forever...but I can still hope it will.

Perfect moments

Every weekend I try to find the perfect combination of capturing some great moments on film and not being pre-occupied with capturing the "perfect moment" This was my favorite of the whole weekend. Connor was just taking a time out from the craziness of our house and watching one of his favorite movies "Thunderbirds" This is the smile that I often try to describe to people, the smile that can light up a whole room.

Friday!

It's Friday, yeah! We get so excited about Fridays, another week of work is done and a (hopefully) beautiful weekend is just around the corner. We get to sleep in (if we're lucky) and not be rushed with all the weekday craziness that surrounds us (especially if you have kids!) But Fridays to me are even more exciting...it's the day that the boys come home!

We currently have a week on, week off schedule that switches on Fridays. I drop the boys off at daycare on Friday morning and their father picks them up in the afternoon, and then I have a long seven sleeps until they are back home. This is the hardest part about my divorce. The being alone was hard, but I got used to that and now embrace my freedom. The anger and bitterness of where my life ended up was hard, but I got through that as well and now am a stronger person because of it. The loss of two of my best friends was horrible, but I got through that too. But my children being away from me for 7 whole days, 168 hours, is torture. Pure hell. I thought that it would get better as time passed...we've been doing this for almost two years now. But I'm finding that as time goes by it gets harder. I feel like I'm missing out on their lives by being away from them for so long, and they always look a little bit older when they come home. It makes me sad. Ty's teacher this year, Mrs. I (amazing teacher btw!) started sending out daily emails to the parents so we would know what our children had been doing each day. Those emails often got me through some of the harder days, at least I felt like I was getting a little peek into what was going on in Ty's life when I wasn't around. I only wish more teacher's did this, for people like me who are terribly missing their kids but so parents can have more insight into what their children are doing at school.

I struggle knowing that there is another woman in their lives who acts like "mom" when I'm not there. She gets to kiss their knees when they fall off a bike, she cuddles them on the couch when they watch their favorite shows, and tucks them into bed at night and wishes them sweet dreams. It's not like I expected such a creature never to enter their lives, I always knew that this would one day happen. I just never expected it to hurt as much as it does.

So, today is Friday, yeah! My boys come home and I get to feel whole again. Tonight I will just sit and watch them as they play in the yard and marvel at how much bigger they've gotten in seven days. This weekend I will cuddle them an extra bit and remind them how much I love them. And this week when life is crazy and hectic with it being the last week of school and all our sporting events I will try and slow down and enjoy my children a little bit more.

Perfection

I laid in bed last night for quite a while trying to come up with what to write about...what craziness has happened recently that would make people shake their heads. Unfortunately at this point and time there is nothing much I can post about as we are headed back to court on Wednesday...yes, you read correctly. Four and a half years into it and we are still battling things out in court. It could be a Visa commercial...4 1/2 years of lawyers = $25,000, 8 appearances in front of a judge = more grey hairs than the best hairdresser can cover up, still no agreement after all that = WASTE OF TIME! But I'm not bitter or angry about it all...really! So, short of that...wish me luck on Wednesday, maybe by this time next week it will finally be over...maybe.

I was emailing with a friend of mine this morning and he put an idea in my head that I really wanted to share. We were talking about his work (or lack thereof right now) and his busy household of three very young children, much like mine. And he mentioned that when it came to his work he was a perfectionist, to his detrement. Always nit picking at something, spending hours making things "just right", wondering if maybe he could have done something a bit different in order to make it more "perfect". At the same time constantly wondering why this idea of "perfection" is so important. I find myself wondering that on a daily basis. I told him that I too find myself questioning my perfectionism, wondering why it's so important to me.

I was actually voted "most perfect" in high school, which by the way is a horrible category for any high school girl to win...holy set me up for a lifetime of never being able to live up to a standard! At the time, I'm sure the teacher thought it was a funny exercise, an end of the year time waster. For what it's worth I was also voted most likely to marry my high school sweetheart and most likely to have three chidren (if only we could have seen the future!) But I'm getting sidetracked. I am a perfectionist at being a parent. I need to be perfect at it, and I drive myself crazy trying to make that happen. I want to always make the best choices for the boys, the smartest choices, the safest choices, the choices that help them grow up to be incredible people. I agonize over every decision I make, even something as small as what to send them for lunch on a school day. Did I put enough food? Not enough food? What if they are still thirsty after all their water is gone? What if someone makes fun of them because they don't have "cool" food? My list of concerns could go on and on, really...enough to drive the sanest person crazy!

Next year the boys will be going to a new school and I agonized over that decision. This new school is just being built, great principal, great teachers and closer to home. No more 45 minute commute to school everyday. But I'm taking them away from the friends that they have, the teachers they are comfortable with and a school that is very well known for it's academics. What if it's the wrong decision? But this new school could be even better, right? My ex-husband thinks that this makes me flighty. That I am constantly changing my mind about things or going back on decisions. I think it makes me a mother. I am always reading and researching, finding out new and better ways to raise my boys. I often find research that contradicts what I'm currently thinking/doing and it makes me think...."Am I really doing this the best way or is this new study/research/method something to consider"? I find myself parenting very differently now than I did when my oldest was born almost 8 years ago...and I think that's a great thing.

I guess it all comes down to decisions. We, as parents, make the best decisions we can for our children. That's our job. We do the best we can with the information that we have (or can google) and we hope at the end of the day they are the right ones.

The reason for this blog

Although one of the reasons for this blog is to just write about my crazy life and the things that go on. The other reasons, the bigger reasons are Jacob (bottom), Connor (top) and Ty(middle). I could probably go on and on about them, bore you to death with pictures of them from the time they were seconds old until present day. But this is my recent favorite. If you have children you know how difficult it is to get all of them together for a picture, let alone all smiling.

There always needs to be a beginning

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to write a story about my life, the things that happen on a day to day basis. The things that make people shake their heads and wonder how I haven't yet ended up in the looney bin. These people seem to think that my story would be a best seller, much like Tori Spelling (except I didn't have a super rich father and grow up in a mansion the size of a city block) or of Barack Obama (except I'm not the president) I often wonder if maybe their lives are just a bit on the boring side and so they look forward to my daily installment of "As Robyn's World Turns" and think it would be exciting to see my name up next to other famous/cray people! I often have thought about it, more just to get it all out there on paper and stop it from rattling around in my head. Except I've come to a realization....I don't know where to start!

Do I start at the very beiginning in a "And so I was born" type of way, or just at the beginning of the craziness? Except I don't know where the craziness actually begins! Do I start with a wedding, a pregnancy, the birth of a baby (or two or three?!?!) or a divorce. It's really hard to pinpoint where the craziness really begins. And so I've decided to start here, start with today. I'm sure there will be lots of backtracking, lots of filling in the blanks for those who decide to ask questions (hopefully there will be followers to ask questions!) and in general lots of craziness in general. Hence the title of my blog...A mom, three boys and a whole lot of craziness. Welcome to the ride!