The Four Musketeers

I was reminded last week that I hadn't written in here in a while...and looking back it's been a long while. This person reminded me how much they enjoyed reading my words and admired my courage for putting my thoughts out there for the entire world to see. Once something is out there on the Internet it's there forever. It got me to thinking that perhaps I just didn't have anything to say that I wanted kept for all of time.

So many things have changed in a year. Once again our family dynamic has changed dramatically, and once again my boys have been disappointed by someone they trusted. However, I am amazed at the strength that they have, they have tought me many lessons over the past few months. They have tought me strenght and courage and determination. We have gotten through these last few months and come out the other end a stronger family. The Four Musketeers.

Jacob's birthday is in a few short weeks. It's so hard to believe that my first baby is almost 9. I have lately been amazed at the speed in which time passes when you have children. Once day they are infants, the next boys taking their mother's on a date to the movies. J still struggles with the changes that our family has undergone in the past few years. And while I worry that all of his "being the man of the house" will inevitably change him, I only hope it is for the better. He sometimes seems like the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders, more like that of a 30 year old than an 8 year old. And then there are days, like this past Thursday, where he acted like a typical boy...and made me laugh so hard with his Lady Gaga impersonations that I cried.

Connor is still my special boy. He makes me so frustrated I want to tear my hair out and 2 seconds later makes my heart smile with his infectious smile. While I've seen him make huge strides in the changes in his behaviour I worry that we have gone 10 steps forward and are now working our way back. Part of me hopes that this is just a "testing boundaries" phase in his life, but considering what Connor and I have dealt with in the past I worry that perhaps this is something else. For now it's a wait and see. Smother him with my love and my understanding and pray that this is life testing us both.

Ty...I am always at a loss as to what to say about Ty. All of a sudden he is no longer my baby. Days of co-sleeping and morning hugs are long gone and in their place has found attitude and more attitude. He is still my boy with the infectious laugh that makes even the worst of days seem irrelevant. But lately he tests my patience. He is reminding me that each of my boys need a different type of mother and different strategy of parenting. But most of my he needs my un-conditional love. It seems to be some days the one part of parenting that I don't struggle with.

I suppose all the issues we have are normal parent/child issues. They feel so much larger when I'm dealing with them on my own. I wonder if things had turned out differently for our family if these struggles would be normal everyday issues? Would they still feel so huge to me? Would they still feel like personal failures? Or would just be our lives?

A much needed update!

I guess I let things slip around here! Seems that life is constantly getting in the way...and in the craziness of living that life I get too exhausted to write about it! Just last night I was watching a movie with a friend of mine, it was an adaption of a novel I'd already read. Much to my dismay it had sub-titles and while I'm not opposed to sub-titles...well, I'd already read the book and I was too tired to read the movie as well!

I received an email from an old friend yesterday and my response to him really was an honest account of life in the past few months.

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Hey you,

I always smile when I see your emails in my inbox! Makes me remember that spring in Vancouver & Victoria and laugh at the craziness of it all. Feels like a lifetime ago!

Life here in Ottawa is good…busy, but good. The boys are well and growing so fast I sometimes have to take a step back from the chaos and just take it all in. Jacob (oldest) is in hockey this year and it seems like my Saturday and Sunday mornings (at 6am!) are spent in cold hockey arenas. I look forward to the warmer months when we’re playing soccer and baseball in the sun!

Work is going well…some struggles (as in I wish I could win millions and not have to work) and I find myself struggling to find my place in the world and do something that truly makes me happy. While I am confident that I will get to that place sometime soon…it is sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Andrew is still in Toronto and still looking for a job here. Our hope is to have him here by summer…but no holding my breath!

Sorry to hear of issues with your ex still…my issues as well continue but I hope to see them resolved soon.

We did just book a trip to Cuba and leave the 5th of February for 7 wonderful days…I can already feel the sun on my face and the sand on my toes. And of course the drink in my hand!

One of these days I will get back out west…I think I say that every time we email, but it will happen one day!

Take care.

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In re-reading my response to my friend it makes me see that perhaps I'm not as happy with my current life-situation as I let on. For some reason I have been finding it increasingly harder to just "roll with the punches" as I have always done in the past. I can't quite pin-point what it is precisely...I just hope to be able to figure it out soon!