I took a break in writing...like a few years worth of a break!

I had actually forgotten about this blog until someone mentioned it to me the other day, wanted to know if I was still writing.  I said no and when they asked why I didn't really have an answer.  My initial reaction was that I just didn't have anything to say, but that's a lie...I have a million things to say every single day.  I usually just say them internally to out loud to myself when I'm driving to and from work/hockey/kids events every day.

So much has changed since I last wrote here in 2011 and yet so many things are still the same.  It's still me and my crazy boys although they are significantly older now.  Jacob is 13 and truly my little man.  He is so thoughtful and caring while still trying to be a cool teenager.  Connor is 11 going on 16 and has the attitude I always assumed Jacob would give me.  As always he is the one who challenges me and reminds me that being a mother means always being able to think on your feet, especially under pressure!  Ty is 10 and still my baby, although he is desperately trying to be a big kid like this brothers.  He still loves to snuggle with me in the morning before school and that I am going to take as long as I can get it. We recently started going to church together and as I re-discover my own faith I'm so very much enjoying watching him find his own.

We bought and renovated an entire house, which was cool and crazy (and expensive!) all at once, but I truly love our home.  Every inch of that space is ours and exactly the way I envisioned it.  It's far from grand, but it's our home.

I recently met someone, a wonderful, incredible man who continues to shock me every day.  Although the shock is more about me than him.  Shocking to find someone who I could be totally and utterly in love with literally from the very beginning, from the moment we met.  And yet here I am...2 months into a whirlwind romance loving him a little bit more every day and wondering how on earth it has taken me 35 (long) years to meet someone as incredible as this man. He has three incredible daughters whose personalities I am still trying to figure out, but so far I have to say they are in fact in the margin of very few children (outside of my own) that I enjoy spending time with!  They are all small versions, in one way or other, of him - although I'm not sure that he sees it all the time.

He recently suffered 2 terrible tragedies...and as I struggle to figure out how to help support him through this difficult time I found myself thinking back to my writing and how in the past, getting word to paper always seemed to shed light on a situation.  Perhaps not for some stranger reading, but more for me. I suppose I hope that I will hit the publish button and all the wisdom of the world will come to me.  Or perhaps, this will merely be just another stream on consciousness out on the internet...but at the very least, a little bit of me out there.

10 years ago today

I have been trying to find the words...something elegant or even witty to say about Jacob turning 10. And they are all but escaping me. I'm still finding it hard to believe that I have been someone's mother for an entire decade.

Maybe the words will come to me as the day progresses. As I remember just exactly what I was doing and how I was feeling at this moment 10 years ago. So for now I will just say Happy Birthday Jacob. You make this world a better place to be just because you are in it. Mommy loves you.

Ramblings of a busy mom

A friend of mine posted this on her blog and I couldn't help but copy and paste it here...mostly as a reminder to myself. I often times find myself so busy with 'life'...have to get the boys to school, daycare, hockey, soccer, have to get myself to work or a meeting or just finish this proposal. Have to get home, make dinner, clean the bathroom, mow the lawn. I am constantly thinking 18 steps ahead and wondering what's next? Where do I need to be? What do I need to do? I forget to stop and enjoy my life. I forget to stop sweating the little things and enjoy my children, and the beauty that is my life. They are at this moment 9, 8 and 7. When I say that to people they look at me like I have 6 heads and they say "wow, you must be busy! Are you crazy?" Sometimes I feel crazy...when life is whipping by at a million miles an hour...it's days like those that I have to remind myself to stop and enjoy that my boys are 9, 8 and 7 because they will never be these ages again and I will miss this time. This is my reminder...to enjoy where we are right this moment and stop thinking 18 steps ahead.

The funny thing about writing in a blog is that you're putting your words out there into cyber-world not knowing who is going to read them or how they will interpret what you're trying to say. (Which is part of the reason I have stayed away from here for so long...lots to say but not sure how to say it) I for one am notorious for taking 15 minutes to say what could very well me said in 2 minutes because I just can't find the right words or don't want the first thing that pops into my head to be mis-understood. I'm one of those people who has to work really hard to remember to use my filter...because honestly, walking down the street with me you are likely to hear me say "do you not own a mirror? And if you did, did you not look at it this morning?" Honest, yes. Appropriate, no.

I'm struggling with finding the right words right now in my life. I've been trying to explain something to someone but I don't want it to come out the wrong way or be mis-understood. I'm struggling between allowing three words to speak volumes and trying to quantify that with something more. When is enough, enough. When is less more?

The boys and I have had a number of changes in our lives since the last time I wrote in my blog...and sometimes saying nothing is more powerful than finding the perfect words.

The Four Musketeers

I was reminded last week that I hadn't written in here in a while...and looking back it's been a long while. This person reminded me how much they enjoyed reading my words and admired my courage for putting my thoughts out there for the entire world to see. Once something is out there on the Internet it's there forever. It got me to thinking that perhaps I just didn't have anything to say that I wanted kept for all of time.

So many things have changed in a year. Once again our family dynamic has changed dramatically, and once again my boys have been disappointed by someone they trusted. However, I am amazed at the strength that they have, they have tought me many lessons over the past few months. They have tought me strenght and courage and determination. We have gotten through these last few months and come out the other end a stronger family. The Four Musketeers.

Jacob's birthday is in a few short weeks. It's so hard to believe that my first baby is almost 9. I have lately been amazed at the speed in which time passes when you have children. Once day they are infants, the next boys taking their mother's on a date to the movies. J still struggles with the changes that our family has undergone in the past few years. And while I worry that all of his "being the man of the house" will inevitably change him, I only hope it is for the better. He sometimes seems like the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders, more like that of a 30 year old than an 8 year old. And then there are days, like this past Thursday, where he acted like a typical boy...and made me laugh so hard with his Lady Gaga impersonations that I cried.

Connor is still my special boy. He makes me so frustrated I want to tear my hair out and 2 seconds later makes my heart smile with his infectious smile. While I've seen him make huge strides in the changes in his behaviour I worry that we have gone 10 steps forward and are now working our way back. Part of me hopes that this is just a "testing boundaries" phase in his life, but considering what Connor and I have dealt with in the past I worry that perhaps this is something else. For now it's a wait and see. Smother him with my love and my understanding and pray that this is life testing us both.

Ty...I am always at a loss as to what to say about Ty. All of a sudden he is no longer my baby. Days of co-sleeping and morning hugs are long gone and in their place has found attitude and more attitude. He is still my boy with the infectious laugh that makes even the worst of days seem irrelevant. But lately he tests my patience. He is reminding me that each of my boys need a different type of mother and different strategy of parenting. But most of my he needs my un-conditional love. It seems to be some days the one part of parenting that I don't struggle with.

I suppose all the issues we have are normal parent/child issues. They feel so much larger when I'm dealing with them on my own. I wonder if things had turned out differently for our family if these struggles would be normal everyday issues? Would they still feel so huge to me? Would they still feel like personal failures? Or would just be our lives?

A much needed update!

I guess I let things slip around here! Seems that life is constantly getting in the way...and in the craziness of living that life I get too exhausted to write about it! Just last night I was watching a movie with a friend of mine, it was an adaption of a novel I'd already read. Much to my dismay it had sub-titles and while I'm not opposed to sub-titles...well, I'd already read the book and I was too tired to read the movie as well!

I received an email from an old friend yesterday and my response to him really was an honest account of life in the past few months.

*******************

Hey you,

I always smile when I see your emails in my inbox! Makes me remember that spring in Vancouver & Victoria and laugh at the craziness of it all. Feels like a lifetime ago!

Life here in Ottawa is good…busy, but good. The boys are well and growing so fast I sometimes have to take a step back from the chaos and just take it all in. Jacob (oldest) is in hockey this year and it seems like my Saturday and Sunday mornings (at 6am!) are spent in cold hockey arenas. I look forward to the warmer months when we’re playing soccer and baseball in the sun!

Work is going well…some struggles (as in I wish I could win millions and not have to work) and I find myself struggling to find my place in the world and do something that truly makes me happy. While I am confident that I will get to that place sometime soon…it is sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Andrew is still in Toronto and still looking for a job here. Our hope is to have him here by summer…but no holding my breath!

Sorry to hear of issues with your ex still…my issues as well continue but I hope to see them resolved soon.

We did just book a trip to Cuba and leave the 5th of February for 7 wonderful days…I can already feel the sun on my face and the sand on my toes. And of course the drink in my hand!

One of these days I will get back out west…I think I say that every time we email, but it will happen one day!

Take care.

*******

In re-reading my response to my friend it makes me see that perhaps I'm not as happy with my current life-situation as I let on. For some reason I have been finding it increasingly harder to just "roll with the punches" as I have always done in the past. I can't quite pin-point what it is precisely...I just hope to be able to figure it out soon!

First Day of School

I always find the first day of school exciting. I did, even as a child (and I was never a fan of school to begin with) but the first day is exciting. Finding out who your teacher is, who is in your class, carrying your new backpack, picking out the right outfit for the first day...that is exciting stuff! Except I'm a girl and apparently only girls get excited about picking out an outfit for the first day of school...go figure! The added excitement was that all three boys are starting at a brand new school...they just finished building it on Friday! I am happy because it's SO much closer than their old school and the boys are happy because it's so close to my work that I can now drop them off and pick them up....EVERY DAY! I guess it's the small things when you're a kid...

So today it was J and C's turn. J couldn't have cared less...he wanted to go back to sleep and then put his bathing suit on and go for a boat ride. C on the other hand, flew out of bed, had his teeth brushed, hair done, bed made and himself dressed in the length of time it took me to open my eyes and put my feet on the floor.

We got to the school and realized that they already have friends in each of their classes (their father would say it's their step-sisters...I'm not there yet so we're sticking with friends) and while it's nice to know that each of the boys knows at least one person in their class we had been hoping that they could have been in separate classes as the kids already spend so much time together as it is and they just need a break from each other.

So here we go...another new school year, another year older, another grade older. I held up like a trooper and am proud to say there were no tears on my part today...or at least not until I got back to the car!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Today Jacob turns 8. It's kind of crazy to think about having an 8 year old! 8 years ago I don't think I really thought about having an 8 year old. In all reality at the time, I probably didn't think much past the baby's next feeding, next diaper change or how engorged I was. But today he's 8...and yet all those new baby concerns feel like only days ago, I still remember them all so clearly.

Of course this year J's birthday falls on a "daddy day" and I was a bit concerned that I wouldn't get to talk to him today because his father is always so great about letting me talk to the boys when they are with him. But this morning he called me, all he said was "Hi" and I knew what he was waiting for. I wished him happy birthday and then again he was silent. I asked him if he was ok and in his usual J manner said "yup" I knew what he was going to ask because he asks the same thing every year on his birthday, just normally he's with me for that day. A few more moments of silence and then we had this conversation:

J: Mom, tell me what time I was born at?
Me: 5:26am
J: in the morning?
Me: yes, in the morning!
J: Tell me how long you were awake for before I was born?
Me: the whole day before and the whole night before.
J: Tell me who was there
Me: well, everybody. Everybody was so excited to meet you that they all waiting at the hospital with me until you got here. Daddy was there. Grammie and Poppa, Sissy, Nanna and Grandpa. Even Dr. Millar stayed all night just to meet you.
J: how happy were you when I finally was born?
Me: J, mommy was so happy that she thought her heart was going to explode with happy.

Every year on the boys birthdays I tell them the story of the day they were born and we look at pictures of when they were babies. I figured with J being at his dad's and being an 8 year old boy he would probably just forget, I mean really...how many times does a kid want to hear the same story??? But I guess he likes hearing "his story" as much as I like telling it. Telling a story about the day your world changed forever is a great thing to be able to tell...it's even more amazing when someone else wants to hear it just as much.

Happy Birthday Jacob, mommy loves you.

Vacation - Day 6

Our last full day of vacation...it's amazing how quickly a week of vacation goes by. A week of work? That drags on forever! A week of spending time with your children? Files by before you even know it!

We had been debating on what to do for our last day of vacation...we are trying to not spend too much money but at the same time A and I really wanted to make it a great week for the boys. After getting some bad news on Wednesday evening we decided to just go for it and make the most of our time in Toronto. So another morning up bright and early and we headed out to Wonderland.

There is SO much that I could write about this day but I'm still not sure how to really put into words this day in particular. This day (for me anyways) ended up being so much more than just a really fun day at an amusement park...this day we felt like a real family for the first time ever. I didn't feel like we were playing family, we just were one. And so our day at Wonderland was fun, and I have tons of great memories of the boys playing at the HUGE waterpark, going on rollercoasters and doing a mini bungee jump. But I have even better memories of us as a family and those memories are impossible to photograph or put into a creative story...it is a day that I will treasure forever.

Vacation - Day 5

If you know me (and my boys) you know that I make a point of never making plans early in the morning unless absolutely necessary. Mainly because we are not morning people, by that I mean none of us are horribly pleasant before 9am...and lots of caffeine!

However, today as an exception we headed out to Oakville to have our pictures taken by my good friend Meghan. Huge plug for Meghan Liddle Photography here (http://www.meghanliddlephotography.com/) ...she is AMAZING! If you are in the Toronto area check her out...trust me. So Meghan met up with us at a beautiful park in Oakville, right along the water. If we were able to move to Toronto I would move to this particular part of Oakville, it was absolutely gorgeous. Oh, A would want me to remind you that we would both need some pretty spectacular jobs in order for us to AFFORD to buy a house there...but we could always just camp out in one of their beautiful parks! Meghan did a great job at keep the boys involved and excited about having their pictures taken and got (what I think) are some pretty great shots. We should have them back soon and I will post a few for everyone to see.

After our photo shoot we headed out to Niagara on the Lake. It was a bit longer of a drive than I had remembered and by this point the boys were tired of being stuck in a car so the details of that particular drive are currently being wiped from my memory. We had a great picnic when we arrived and let the boys blow off some steam by throwing rocks at seagulls. Really they were throwing rocks at the water...I think a few seagulls just happened to get in the way!

Unfortunately though eventually you have to get home...and the boys were not happy about that! Who can blame them though? It's tough for anyone to sit in a car for long periods of time...let alone three boys crammed in the back seat of a Honda Civic! Before we go on vacation next year we have promised the boys we will buy a bigger car...or a bus!

Vacation - Day 4

Ok...so yesterday I was too tired by the end of the day to write about what we did...and of course now I can't remember what we did yesterday. That's what happens when you have 3 children in 4 years...you loose your mind!

Ok wait...it's coming to me....or not. Apparently whatever we did yesterday during the day wasn't all that interesting, or at least not interesting enough to remind in my brain for more than 5 minutes!

We did go to a Blue Jays game, against the New York Yankees. The boys had a pretty good time, that's to say that J had an amazing time and the other two had fun playing their Gameboys at a baseball stadium. Unfortunately the combination of excitement and too many Fuzzy Peaches was too much for T...he puked on the lovely couple in front of us. Yes, you read that right...he puked, everywhere. And by every where I mean EVERYWHERE. There was a trail from our seats to the bathroom, and then a horror scene in the bathroom. Then the two of us headed back to our seats where A was shamelessly hanging his head hoping people didn't think he was with us and T fell asleep. His puked on clothes against my puked on clothes...we must have smelled great to the people around us...and then he fell asleep. Out cold, unconscious asleep. So we all enjoyed the rest of the game (5 more innings!) and then I realized that we still had to get home. We had to walk the 15 city blocks to get there. Oops! I hadn't really thought so far ahead to think about what we would do if someone fell asleep, and knowing my children and their ability to fall asleep just about anywhere, I should have thought that far ahead!

So we headed out on our adventure home...2 adults (one stinking of puke), one puke covered sleeping 5 year old, a 6 year old with a flashlight (for safety!) and an almost 8 year old who couldn't stop laughing at the transvestite that we passed as we left the stadium. All I can say is it was a rather humorous walk home. Oh...and result of carrying a 48lb child 12 blocks? Numb arms and wrenched lower back...in case you were wondering.

Vacation - Day 3

Today was not a day of huge plans, but just a take it easy kind of day...because isn't that what vacations are all about? A and I were both saying to eachother today that we're going to need a vacation from our vacation!

The boys (all 4 of them!) spent the first part of the morning killing cyborgs on the Xbox and then we headed out to Centre Island for some beach fun. The rest of the day was spent seeing how much sand the boys could fit into their bathing suits (and all other sorts of places not to be mentioned!) and seeing how far wet sand can be thrown as opposed to dry sand. For the record, both can be thrown further than I thought!

And the biggest excitement of the vacation...Connor and Ty have learned to swim! Last night we headed down to the pool and before we had a chance to take off our shoes Connor jumped into the pool! A and I were both about to jump in to save the drowning child when he started swimming! We both stood there and stared at each other....when did that happen?!?!? Connor pulled himself out of the pool and looked at us like "what the hell is wrong with you people?!?!?!" Apparently he decided that Sunday was a good day to start swimming! Of course, Ty, not wanting to be outdone decided he too was going to start swimming. He all but drowned himself a few times, but he too is now a swimmer. A and I have come to two conclusions: 1 - we are going to be spending more time that we'd planned in the pool at the house and 2 - I gave birth to fish.

Vacation - Day 2

Another great (and sunny) day today! We spent the afternoon at a park/splash pad in Milton with a good friend of mine and her two beautiful boys. It's so much fun seeing the boys play with their friends, especially when their friends are younger. It is very heartwarming as a mother seeing your son teaching a little boy who is much younger than him how to properly hold a baseball glove or the best way to climb UP a slide. It makes me smile a bit on the inside to see them being so caring towards others.


I do need to remember to stop looking for the perfect moment to capture on film though and just enjoy the day. I finish the day feeling like I've missed out on something special because I was busy looking for the perfect moment to get a shot of. So, today's pictures are far from perfect...however, they do represent one of the "best days ever" according to the three boys.

Vacation - Day 1

Our vacation started today...and the boys had more fun before we even left the house! We spent the morning enjoying the first nice summer day since well...last summer, and it only took until August 1st! We let the boys go swimming and race around to burn off some energy before the LONG car ride to Toronto.


Considering we had 2 adults, 3 small children and enough luggage and "stuff" to sink a large ship we did pretty well. There were no major fights, no crying and no one lost a limb...or a life! So in my books that's a pretty good start to our vacation!







1 hour into the trip...

everyone is still (somewhat) happy....

3 hours into the trip...

...I still don't know how children sleep in the car!



Blowing off some steam after a very long car ride.

Vacation!

Six hours and counting until our vacation! I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about this. We missed out on a real vacation last year because A was working on a big project at work so we were making sure that this year we were doing something...anything! We've scaled back our plans a bit due to lack of employment (so far...I know something is going to come along soon!) But we are all still looking forward to it!

We have lots of tentative plans, a lot of them depending on weather! We do have tickets to a Jays/Yankees game on Tuesday night and I just found out this morning that J's BFF and his dad are going to the same game! So hopefully we can arrange to get together with them before the game. Other than that we've been throwing around ideas of Wonderland, Niagara Falls, Ontario Place...I think we're just going to see what we feel like doing each day.

Moreso, this week is just about us getting to spend time together...as a family. While I may complain at times (ok...a lot!) that our family isn't alway in the same place at the same time, that I wish that we had more of a conventional family, this is still my family. And this week I look forward to just being with them...enjoying them.

Inspiration

I feel as though there are so many things that I should be posting about and yet my first words always seem to be about my boys (although I guess that's what this blog is all about!) I strive for something quick and witty, something...inspiring. I've just finished reading this blog http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ and find every post, while sad, so incredibly inspiring. This little boy has overcome so much in such a short time on this earth, and his mother...truly an inspiration for all mothers out there. Continues to fight for her child, to ensure that he receives the best that the health professions have to offer...at any cost. I feel as though anything I can say will pale in comparison. However, while my children may not have made miracles happen, they are my miracles. They are my inspiration.

Changes

The last couple of weeks have been a bit crazy for us, I say "us" because the changes going on affect everyone. The biggest "thing" that's happened is that Andrew lost his job. This came as a huge surprise to the both of us as well as all of his staff and the industry reps that he deals with. The lay off really came out of left field and has left us both standing around with our mouths open trying to figure out what to do next. I will give Andrew credit though, he has dealt with this amazingly well. The first night that we were dealing with all this I felt like he was consoling me more than the other way around (don't worry...I quickly got my self together!) He has now been unemployed for a little over a week and I think we are both ready for him to go back to work! Unfortunately the problem that we now face is where to find said work. There are opportunities in both Toronto and Ottawa, however the better of the choices probably lies in Toronto. I find myself walking a fine line between being incredibly supportive of my partner who is out of work and dealing with a pretty big bruise to his ego and desperately wanting us to be a real family that lives in the same city more than a few days a month. I find myself more often than not biting my tongue and not saying exactly what I'm feeling but sugar coating it more than I normally would. For those of you who know me, know that I rarely sugar coat...I'm more of a say it like it is type of girl. What I want to say is "if you take any other job in Toronto we are done, I cannot handle the long distance family thing any long" and yet what comes out is "I love you and of course I will support whatever decision you make" The latter of the two I think is the more mature side of me talking...the first option is the selfish part of me.

The last week we have had a taste of being in the same city (something neither of us have known since we first started dating 3 1/2 years ago) and I have to say, it's been nice. It's been normal, easy, I hesitate to say boring. However, it isn't the "I need some excitement" type of boring, but more just the normal couple type of boring. Family dinners, and renting videos on the weekend. Having another adult around for grocery shopping, shoe shopping and bath time. It's been one of those weeks that's made me remember the things that I've been missing so much the past little while.

And so...while I have grown to embrace my alone time, after the boys go to bed or when they are at their dad's...I really think I'm ready to have less alone time and more "us" time.

Growing up

For those of you who know me and know my parenting style, it's a little bit eclectic. I like to let the boys have their space and explore the world around them (but I'm always close by!) and yet at the same time we have rules and chores and all those other not so fun things. I was never really that mom that got super emotional about birthdays and their children getting older, I didn't cry on the first day of school or the last day of school or any day in between. And yet I find as they get older and our baby days are further behind us I get more emotional about them growing up.

Today my three boys started their first day of summer camp. I have been stressing about this for days...they were counting down the sleeps. Last night I was frantically packing everything (even the kitchen sink!) in their backpacks...they were asking for 2 juice boxes. This morning I was holding back tears as they got on the bus...they already had new best friends before the bus left the parking lot. So, as you can see...I was the only one worried about camp.

It's crazy to me how our vision of parenting can change so much over time. We all have a "plan" starting out, the way we're going to parent, the type of parent we're going to be. I know I did. And let me tell you, the mother I was planning on being would have no idea who this mother is!

So, tonight I will head out at 4 and pick up my boys from their first day of camp. I am looking forward to hearing the stories of new things they've learned and new people they've met. They're growing up and that makes me a little bit sad...but the people they are growing up to be, they make me proud.

Time out

So I took a time out last week. A time out from my life, and let me tell you I needed one. After the harrowing court experience and the emails that ensued I had pretty much hit my limit and needed to be away from my life. Fortunately I have another (part-time) home in downtown Toronto that I can get away to and often times forget about the crazy that is my life. Let me say, I don't forget about my whole life. I am slowly leaving things around the condo that are "me" and next weekend will be putting up pictures of the boys so that I don't miss them quite as much when they are gone. Being at my home in Toronto I am able to do all that fun kid-free stuff that rarely happens at home in Ottawa. I can go to Whole Foods and spend 2 hours wandering the isles (and yes, I've done that before!) or wander up to Starbucks and read an entire trashy magazine from cover to cover in one sitting. I still miss the boys terribly, but I have a bit more distraction and so I'm not thinking about them every five minutes (only every ten minutes!)

Fortunately I was able to set up some meetings in Toronto which at least kept me occupied during the day and I had my wonderful sleeping pills to keep me unconscious at night. When I get stressed out I stop sleeping, completely stop sleeping. I find it amazing how many days I can go without sleeping before I crash. And based on the last couple of weeks my stress level was at an all time high. The first night I took a sleeping pill and pretty much passed out and slept for about 13 hours...pretty much unheard of for me. I woke up the next morning a big hung over but feeling like I could at least cope with life. As the week progressed I was finally able to relax more and by the end of the week I was sleeping again (without the help of tranquillizers)

Another crazy thing that happened this week...Andrew and I spent 6 days together, and we both made it out alive! One of the problems with a long distance relationship is that we rarely spend more than 3 consecutive days together. This last week was the longest we'd ever spent together and I was actually a bit nervous going into it. On any other week it wouldn't have been a huge deal, but this week after the stress that I'd been under I wasn't a horribly nice person to be around. We made it...and we're still speaking to eachother! I should add that in my haze of sleepless nights and way too much nervous energy I started cooking and baking. I made all kinds of crazy treats and I'm now afraid that he's going to expect cooking like that all the time. So honey, if you're finally reading my blog...I'm not normally Martha Stewart so please don't get used to it!

Losing

Losing sucks. There isn't a nice, happy, glass is half full way to put it, it just sucks.

I won't get into all the nitty gritty because that would take days, possibly weeks to write out, and honestly it's just not all that interesting. The short version of this long story is that two years ago I made a decision to let the boys spend more time with their father. I felt that they needed a father around more than just every second weekend, I also felt that their father was finally up to the challenge of being a full time parent and I needed him to start doing that. I thought long and hard about how this change would affect the boys and I talked with them about it quite a bit. They were happy to get to spend more time with their father, the idea of two homes was a bit exciting to them. And so, I went against my own feelings and did what I thought was best for my boys after all, as a parent isn't that our most important job. Fast forward two years, to a courtroom with a bunch of strangers and a judge who confirmed my worst fear. I had made a horrible decision, I failed my children and there was now nothing that could be done about it. I need to suck it up and learn to deal with my ex-husband, which in his eyes means he calls the shots and I follow along.

When all was said and done yesterday, 6 hours, a fire drill, yelling, screaming and yes even some crying...I felt like a complete failure as a mother. Yes, that is irrational and crazy. However, that's the crazy thing about feelings sometimes even when we know they aren't valid we can't help but feel them. I have let down my children. I will have to continue sending them to a home where I know they are not happy. They are safe, their basic needs are taken care of but after that? I couldn't say for certain that they are loved as much as they should be, that they are hugged enough or that their emotional well being is being thought about. They ask how many sleeps they will be gone and beg to come home earlier and I feel horrible when I have to say no. I'm their mother! Shouldn't I be able to step in and save the day when they are sad or hurting?? They are being used as pawns in a horrible game, and that makes me sad for them. I know that one day they will be old enough to see what has gone on, old enough to understand all the things that have transpired in the last four years and I pray that they can see that the decisions that I made for them were ones that I truly felt where best for them.

I'm all over the map today going from being angry to frustrated and just plan sad. I've been crying at the drop of a hat (and by now my co-workers must think I'm a nut) I'm just trying to process what's actually happened and how the boys and I move forward from here. That is going to take a while, and once again we need to learn to live with our new "normal"