First Day of School

I always find the first day of school exciting. I did, even as a child (and I was never a fan of school to begin with) but the first day is exciting. Finding out who your teacher is, who is in your class, carrying your new backpack, picking out the right outfit for the first day...that is exciting stuff! Except I'm a girl and apparently only girls get excited about picking out an outfit for the first day of school...go figure! The added excitement was that all three boys are starting at a brand new school...they just finished building it on Friday! I am happy because it's SO much closer than their old school and the boys are happy because it's so close to my work that I can now drop them off and pick them up....EVERY DAY! I guess it's the small things when you're a kid...

So today it was J and C's turn. J couldn't have cared less...he wanted to go back to sleep and then put his bathing suit on and go for a boat ride. C on the other hand, flew out of bed, had his teeth brushed, hair done, bed made and himself dressed in the length of time it took me to open my eyes and put my feet on the floor.

We got to the school and realized that they already have friends in each of their classes (their father would say it's their step-sisters...I'm not there yet so we're sticking with friends) and while it's nice to know that each of the boys knows at least one person in their class we had been hoping that they could have been in separate classes as the kids already spend so much time together as it is and they just need a break from each other.

So here we go...another new school year, another year older, another grade older. I held up like a trooper and am proud to say there were no tears on my part today...or at least not until I got back to the car!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Today Jacob turns 8. It's kind of crazy to think about having an 8 year old! 8 years ago I don't think I really thought about having an 8 year old. In all reality at the time, I probably didn't think much past the baby's next feeding, next diaper change or how engorged I was. But today he's 8...and yet all those new baby concerns feel like only days ago, I still remember them all so clearly.

Of course this year J's birthday falls on a "daddy day" and I was a bit concerned that I wouldn't get to talk to him today because his father is always so great about letting me talk to the boys when they are with him. But this morning he called me, all he said was "Hi" and I knew what he was waiting for. I wished him happy birthday and then again he was silent. I asked him if he was ok and in his usual J manner said "yup" I knew what he was going to ask because he asks the same thing every year on his birthday, just normally he's with me for that day. A few more moments of silence and then we had this conversation:

J: Mom, tell me what time I was born at?
Me: 5:26am
J: in the morning?
Me: yes, in the morning!
J: Tell me how long you were awake for before I was born?
Me: the whole day before and the whole night before.
J: Tell me who was there
Me: well, everybody. Everybody was so excited to meet you that they all waiting at the hospital with me until you got here. Daddy was there. Grammie and Poppa, Sissy, Nanna and Grandpa. Even Dr. Millar stayed all night just to meet you.
J: how happy were you when I finally was born?
Me: J, mommy was so happy that she thought her heart was going to explode with happy.

Every year on the boys birthdays I tell them the story of the day they were born and we look at pictures of when they were babies. I figured with J being at his dad's and being an 8 year old boy he would probably just forget, I mean really...how many times does a kid want to hear the same story??? But I guess he likes hearing "his story" as much as I like telling it. Telling a story about the day your world changed forever is a great thing to be able to tell...it's even more amazing when someone else wants to hear it just as much.

Happy Birthday Jacob, mommy loves you.

Vacation - Day 6

Our last full day of vacation...it's amazing how quickly a week of vacation goes by. A week of work? That drags on forever! A week of spending time with your children? Files by before you even know it!

We had been debating on what to do for our last day of vacation...we are trying to not spend too much money but at the same time A and I really wanted to make it a great week for the boys. After getting some bad news on Wednesday evening we decided to just go for it and make the most of our time in Toronto. So another morning up bright and early and we headed out to Wonderland.

There is SO much that I could write about this day but I'm still not sure how to really put into words this day in particular. This day (for me anyways) ended up being so much more than just a really fun day at an amusement park...this day we felt like a real family for the first time ever. I didn't feel like we were playing family, we just were one. And so our day at Wonderland was fun, and I have tons of great memories of the boys playing at the HUGE waterpark, going on rollercoasters and doing a mini bungee jump. But I have even better memories of us as a family and those memories are impossible to photograph or put into a creative story...it is a day that I will treasure forever.

Vacation - Day 5

If you know me (and my boys) you know that I make a point of never making plans early in the morning unless absolutely necessary. Mainly because we are not morning people, by that I mean none of us are horribly pleasant before 9am...and lots of caffeine!

However, today as an exception we headed out to Oakville to have our pictures taken by my good friend Meghan. Huge plug for Meghan Liddle Photography here (http://www.meghanliddlephotography.com/) ...she is AMAZING! If you are in the Toronto area check her out...trust me. So Meghan met up with us at a beautiful park in Oakville, right along the water. If we were able to move to Toronto I would move to this particular part of Oakville, it was absolutely gorgeous. Oh, A would want me to remind you that we would both need some pretty spectacular jobs in order for us to AFFORD to buy a house there...but we could always just camp out in one of their beautiful parks! Meghan did a great job at keep the boys involved and excited about having their pictures taken and got (what I think) are some pretty great shots. We should have them back soon and I will post a few for everyone to see.

After our photo shoot we headed out to Niagara on the Lake. It was a bit longer of a drive than I had remembered and by this point the boys were tired of being stuck in a car so the details of that particular drive are currently being wiped from my memory. We had a great picnic when we arrived and let the boys blow off some steam by throwing rocks at seagulls. Really they were throwing rocks at the water...I think a few seagulls just happened to get in the way!

Unfortunately though eventually you have to get home...and the boys were not happy about that! Who can blame them though? It's tough for anyone to sit in a car for long periods of time...let alone three boys crammed in the back seat of a Honda Civic! Before we go on vacation next year we have promised the boys we will buy a bigger car...or a bus!

Vacation - Day 4

Ok...so yesterday I was too tired by the end of the day to write about what we did...and of course now I can't remember what we did yesterday. That's what happens when you have 3 children in 4 years...you loose your mind!

Ok wait...it's coming to me....or not. Apparently whatever we did yesterday during the day wasn't all that interesting, or at least not interesting enough to remind in my brain for more than 5 minutes!

We did go to a Blue Jays game, against the New York Yankees. The boys had a pretty good time, that's to say that J had an amazing time and the other two had fun playing their Gameboys at a baseball stadium. Unfortunately the combination of excitement and too many Fuzzy Peaches was too much for T...he puked on the lovely couple in front of us. Yes, you read that right...he puked, everywhere. And by every where I mean EVERYWHERE. There was a trail from our seats to the bathroom, and then a horror scene in the bathroom. Then the two of us headed back to our seats where A was shamelessly hanging his head hoping people didn't think he was with us and T fell asleep. His puked on clothes against my puked on clothes...we must have smelled great to the people around us...and then he fell asleep. Out cold, unconscious asleep. So we all enjoyed the rest of the game (5 more innings!) and then I realized that we still had to get home. We had to walk the 15 city blocks to get there. Oops! I hadn't really thought so far ahead to think about what we would do if someone fell asleep, and knowing my children and their ability to fall asleep just about anywhere, I should have thought that far ahead!

So we headed out on our adventure home...2 adults (one stinking of puke), one puke covered sleeping 5 year old, a 6 year old with a flashlight (for safety!) and an almost 8 year old who couldn't stop laughing at the transvestite that we passed as we left the stadium. All I can say is it was a rather humorous walk home. Oh...and result of carrying a 48lb child 12 blocks? Numb arms and wrenched lower back...in case you were wondering.

Vacation - Day 3

Today was not a day of huge plans, but just a take it easy kind of day...because isn't that what vacations are all about? A and I were both saying to eachother today that we're going to need a vacation from our vacation!

The boys (all 4 of them!) spent the first part of the morning killing cyborgs on the Xbox and then we headed out to Centre Island for some beach fun. The rest of the day was spent seeing how much sand the boys could fit into their bathing suits (and all other sorts of places not to be mentioned!) and seeing how far wet sand can be thrown as opposed to dry sand. For the record, both can be thrown further than I thought!

And the biggest excitement of the vacation...Connor and Ty have learned to swim! Last night we headed down to the pool and before we had a chance to take off our shoes Connor jumped into the pool! A and I were both about to jump in to save the drowning child when he started swimming! We both stood there and stared at each other....when did that happen?!?!? Connor pulled himself out of the pool and looked at us like "what the hell is wrong with you people?!?!?!" Apparently he decided that Sunday was a good day to start swimming! Of course, Ty, not wanting to be outdone decided he too was going to start swimming. He all but drowned himself a few times, but he too is now a swimmer. A and I have come to two conclusions: 1 - we are going to be spending more time that we'd planned in the pool at the house and 2 - I gave birth to fish.

Vacation - Day 2

Another great (and sunny) day today! We spent the afternoon at a park/splash pad in Milton with a good friend of mine and her two beautiful boys. It's so much fun seeing the boys play with their friends, especially when their friends are younger. It is very heartwarming as a mother seeing your son teaching a little boy who is much younger than him how to properly hold a baseball glove or the best way to climb UP a slide. It makes me smile a bit on the inside to see them being so caring towards others.


I do need to remember to stop looking for the perfect moment to capture on film though and just enjoy the day. I finish the day feeling like I've missed out on something special because I was busy looking for the perfect moment to get a shot of. So, today's pictures are far from perfect...however, they do represent one of the "best days ever" according to the three boys.

Vacation - Day 1

Our vacation started today...and the boys had more fun before we even left the house! We spent the morning enjoying the first nice summer day since well...last summer, and it only took until August 1st! We let the boys go swimming and race around to burn off some energy before the LONG car ride to Toronto.


Considering we had 2 adults, 3 small children and enough luggage and "stuff" to sink a large ship we did pretty well. There were no major fights, no crying and no one lost a limb...or a life! So in my books that's a pretty good start to our vacation!







1 hour into the trip...

everyone is still (somewhat) happy....

3 hours into the trip...

...I still don't know how children sleep in the car!



Blowing off some steam after a very long car ride.

Vacation!

Six hours and counting until our vacation! I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about this. We missed out on a real vacation last year because A was working on a big project at work so we were making sure that this year we were doing something...anything! We've scaled back our plans a bit due to lack of employment (so far...I know something is going to come along soon!) But we are all still looking forward to it!

We have lots of tentative plans, a lot of them depending on weather! We do have tickets to a Jays/Yankees game on Tuesday night and I just found out this morning that J's BFF and his dad are going to the same game! So hopefully we can arrange to get together with them before the game. Other than that we've been throwing around ideas of Wonderland, Niagara Falls, Ontario Place...I think we're just going to see what we feel like doing each day.

Moreso, this week is just about us getting to spend time together...as a family. While I may complain at times (ok...a lot!) that our family isn't alway in the same place at the same time, that I wish that we had more of a conventional family, this is still my family. And this week I look forward to just being with them...enjoying them.

Inspiration

I feel as though there are so many things that I should be posting about and yet my first words always seem to be about my boys (although I guess that's what this blog is all about!) I strive for something quick and witty, something...inspiring. I've just finished reading this blog http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ and find every post, while sad, so incredibly inspiring. This little boy has overcome so much in such a short time on this earth, and his mother...truly an inspiration for all mothers out there. Continues to fight for her child, to ensure that he receives the best that the health professions have to offer...at any cost. I feel as though anything I can say will pale in comparison. However, while my children may not have made miracles happen, they are my miracles. They are my inspiration.

Changes

The last couple of weeks have been a bit crazy for us, I say "us" because the changes going on affect everyone. The biggest "thing" that's happened is that Andrew lost his job. This came as a huge surprise to the both of us as well as all of his staff and the industry reps that he deals with. The lay off really came out of left field and has left us both standing around with our mouths open trying to figure out what to do next. I will give Andrew credit though, he has dealt with this amazingly well. The first night that we were dealing with all this I felt like he was consoling me more than the other way around (don't worry...I quickly got my self together!) He has now been unemployed for a little over a week and I think we are both ready for him to go back to work! Unfortunately the problem that we now face is where to find said work. There are opportunities in both Toronto and Ottawa, however the better of the choices probably lies in Toronto. I find myself walking a fine line between being incredibly supportive of my partner who is out of work and dealing with a pretty big bruise to his ego and desperately wanting us to be a real family that lives in the same city more than a few days a month. I find myself more often than not biting my tongue and not saying exactly what I'm feeling but sugar coating it more than I normally would. For those of you who know me, know that I rarely sugar coat...I'm more of a say it like it is type of girl. What I want to say is "if you take any other job in Toronto we are done, I cannot handle the long distance family thing any long" and yet what comes out is "I love you and of course I will support whatever decision you make" The latter of the two I think is the more mature side of me talking...the first option is the selfish part of me.

The last week we have had a taste of being in the same city (something neither of us have known since we first started dating 3 1/2 years ago) and I have to say, it's been nice. It's been normal, easy, I hesitate to say boring. However, it isn't the "I need some excitement" type of boring, but more just the normal couple type of boring. Family dinners, and renting videos on the weekend. Having another adult around for grocery shopping, shoe shopping and bath time. It's been one of those weeks that's made me remember the things that I've been missing so much the past little while.

And so...while I have grown to embrace my alone time, after the boys go to bed or when they are at their dad's...I really think I'm ready to have less alone time and more "us" time.

Growing up

For those of you who know me and know my parenting style, it's a little bit eclectic. I like to let the boys have their space and explore the world around them (but I'm always close by!) and yet at the same time we have rules and chores and all those other not so fun things. I was never really that mom that got super emotional about birthdays and their children getting older, I didn't cry on the first day of school or the last day of school or any day in between. And yet I find as they get older and our baby days are further behind us I get more emotional about them growing up.

Today my three boys started their first day of summer camp. I have been stressing about this for days...they were counting down the sleeps. Last night I was frantically packing everything (even the kitchen sink!) in their backpacks...they were asking for 2 juice boxes. This morning I was holding back tears as they got on the bus...they already had new best friends before the bus left the parking lot. So, as you can see...I was the only one worried about camp.

It's crazy to me how our vision of parenting can change so much over time. We all have a "plan" starting out, the way we're going to parent, the type of parent we're going to be. I know I did. And let me tell you, the mother I was planning on being would have no idea who this mother is!

So, tonight I will head out at 4 and pick up my boys from their first day of camp. I am looking forward to hearing the stories of new things they've learned and new people they've met. They're growing up and that makes me a little bit sad...but the people they are growing up to be, they make me proud.

Time out

So I took a time out last week. A time out from my life, and let me tell you I needed one. After the harrowing court experience and the emails that ensued I had pretty much hit my limit and needed to be away from my life. Fortunately I have another (part-time) home in downtown Toronto that I can get away to and often times forget about the crazy that is my life. Let me say, I don't forget about my whole life. I am slowly leaving things around the condo that are "me" and next weekend will be putting up pictures of the boys so that I don't miss them quite as much when they are gone. Being at my home in Toronto I am able to do all that fun kid-free stuff that rarely happens at home in Ottawa. I can go to Whole Foods and spend 2 hours wandering the isles (and yes, I've done that before!) or wander up to Starbucks and read an entire trashy magazine from cover to cover in one sitting. I still miss the boys terribly, but I have a bit more distraction and so I'm not thinking about them every five minutes (only every ten minutes!)

Fortunately I was able to set up some meetings in Toronto which at least kept me occupied during the day and I had my wonderful sleeping pills to keep me unconscious at night. When I get stressed out I stop sleeping, completely stop sleeping. I find it amazing how many days I can go without sleeping before I crash. And based on the last couple of weeks my stress level was at an all time high. The first night I took a sleeping pill and pretty much passed out and slept for about 13 hours...pretty much unheard of for me. I woke up the next morning a big hung over but feeling like I could at least cope with life. As the week progressed I was finally able to relax more and by the end of the week I was sleeping again (without the help of tranquillizers)

Another crazy thing that happened this week...Andrew and I spent 6 days together, and we both made it out alive! One of the problems with a long distance relationship is that we rarely spend more than 3 consecutive days together. This last week was the longest we'd ever spent together and I was actually a bit nervous going into it. On any other week it wouldn't have been a huge deal, but this week after the stress that I'd been under I wasn't a horribly nice person to be around. We made it...and we're still speaking to eachother! I should add that in my haze of sleepless nights and way too much nervous energy I started cooking and baking. I made all kinds of crazy treats and I'm now afraid that he's going to expect cooking like that all the time. So honey, if you're finally reading my blog...I'm not normally Martha Stewart so please don't get used to it!

Losing

Losing sucks. There isn't a nice, happy, glass is half full way to put it, it just sucks.

I won't get into all the nitty gritty because that would take days, possibly weeks to write out, and honestly it's just not all that interesting. The short version of this long story is that two years ago I made a decision to let the boys spend more time with their father. I felt that they needed a father around more than just every second weekend, I also felt that their father was finally up to the challenge of being a full time parent and I needed him to start doing that. I thought long and hard about how this change would affect the boys and I talked with them about it quite a bit. They were happy to get to spend more time with their father, the idea of two homes was a bit exciting to them. And so, I went against my own feelings and did what I thought was best for my boys after all, as a parent isn't that our most important job. Fast forward two years, to a courtroom with a bunch of strangers and a judge who confirmed my worst fear. I had made a horrible decision, I failed my children and there was now nothing that could be done about it. I need to suck it up and learn to deal with my ex-husband, which in his eyes means he calls the shots and I follow along.

When all was said and done yesterday, 6 hours, a fire drill, yelling, screaming and yes even some crying...I felt like a complete failure as a mother. Yes, that is irrational and crazy. However, that's the crazy thing about feelings sometimes even when we know they aren't valid we can't help but feel them. I have let down my children. I will have to continue sending them to a home where I know they are not happy. They are safe, their basic needs are taken care of but after that? I couldn't say for certain that they are loved as much as they should be, that they are hugged enough or that their emotional well being is being thought about. They ask how many sleeps they will be gone and beg to come home earlier and I feel horrible when I have to say no. I'm their mother! Shouldn't I be able to step in and save the day when they are sad or hurting?? They are being used as pawns in a horrible game, and that makes me sad for them. I know that one day they will be old enough to see what has gone on, old enough to understand all the things that have transpired in the last four years and I pray that they can see that the decisions that I made for them were ones that I truly felt where best for them.

I'm all over the map today going from being angry to frustrated and just plan sad. I've been crying at the drop of a hat (and by now my co-workers must think I'm a nut) I'm just trying to process what's actually happened and how the boys and I move forward from here. That is going to take a while, and once again we need to learn to live with our new "normal"

Reflections

So, tomorrow we go back to court...maybe for the last time, maybe not. The problem with these things is you just never know where it's going to go. You hope that you get a judge that knows family law and isn't just filling in. You hope that said judge has actually read the briefs that they get, and you hope that they ask questions and get both sides of the story before they make a decision. Tomorrow has the possibility of being a big day. The day that we finally get a decision and get to move on with our lives. It's not for lack of trying, trust me. I have done everything in my power to end this...I've been trying for several years now. Unfortunately that would take two people to come to an understanding and if you'd ever met my ex-husband you would understand that that is unlikely to ever happen! I have mixed emotions about tomorrow. I have no idea what is going to happen, what could happen or what I even hope will happen. I am trying to go into tomorrow very indifferent.

I will do what I told another mom-friend of mine who is going through a difficult divorce right now. "Sometimes taking life a day at a time is too much. Something you need to take it an hour at a time, get through the first hour and don't worry about what's to come or what has already happened, just worry about that moment" And so tomorrow I think I will be taking my day minute by minute...one foot in front of another.

One thing that going back to court always does is makes me remember the way my life was before this tornado that I now call life. I can think back to a time when I could put my head on my husbands shoulder and just sigh and he knew that sigh meant: "I love you, I'm glad you're home, I need 5 minutes to shower in peace, and oh yeah can you take out the trash" I can also think back to a time when I had the best friend in the world that I could ring up any time of the day or night just to chat, to vent, to cry. Someone who understood that when I said "I want to give them away to a circus" she would respond with "think they have a two for one special"? That I really did love my children, I just needed 5 minutes. I miss that time. I don't miss all the sad, angry stuff that goes with that time in my life...but I miss the simplicity of what I thought my life was all about.

I guess it comes down to missing what used to be, or at least what I thought it was. I used to live in a glass bubble my "Brady Bunch life" as someone once called it. Where life were always perfect, the sun was always shining and people never disappointed you. It never once occurred to me that my life would ever be anything other than that...kind of like that movie the Truman Show! That reflection however always come to the sad parts...the parts where it came to a screeching halt and I realized that my life was nothing like I thought it was. I was going to have to create a whole new life and life a whole new normal. I still struggle with my new normal, although I'm learning to love my new normal more and more...and miss that old bubble less and less.

And with that, every once in a while I catch a glimpse of what my life will be again and I smile. I smile at the idea of having someone who know exactly what my sigh means, and someone I can call at anytime of the day when I need their advice or shoulder to lean on. Except this time I won't take it for granted. I will treasure every second of it because I know that it might not last forever...but I can still hope it will.

Perfect moments

Every weekend I try to find the perfect combination of capturing some great moments on film and not being pre-occupied with capturing the "perfect moment" This was my favorite of the whole weekend. Connor was just taking a time out from the craziness of our house and watching one of his favorite movies "Thunderbirds" This is the smile that I often try to describe to people, the smile that can light up a whole room.

Friday!

It's Friday, yeah! We get so excited about Fridays, another week of work is done and a (hopefully) beautiful weekend is just around the corner. We get to sleep in (if we're lucky) and not be rushed with all the weekday craziness that surrounds us (especially if you have kids!) But Fridays to me are even more exciting...it's the day that the boys come home!

We currently have a week on, week off schedule that switches on Fridays. I drop the boys off at daycare on Friday morning and their father picks them up in the afternoon, and then I have a long seven sleeps until they are back home. This is the hardest part about my divorce. The being alone was hard, but I got used to that and now embrace my freedom. The anger and bitterness of where my life ended up was hard, but I got through that as well and now am a stronger person because of it. The loss of two of my best friends was horrible, but I got through that too. But my children being away from me for 7 whole days, 168 hours, is torture. Pure hell. I thought that it would get better as time passed...we've been doing this for almost two years now. But I'm finding that as time goes by it gets harder. I feel like I'm missing out on their lives by being away from them for so long, and they always look a little bit older when they come home. It makes me sad. Ty's teacher this year, Mrs. I (amazing teacher btw!) started sending out daily emails to the parents so we would know what our children had been doing each day. Those emails often got me through some of the harder days, at least I felt like I was getting a little peek into what was going on in Ty's life when I wasn't around. I only wish more teacher's did this, for people like me who are terribly missing their kids but so parents can have more insight into what their children are doing at school.

I struggle knowing that there is another woman in their lives who acts like "mom" when I'm not there. She gets to kiss their knees when they fall off a bike, she cuddles them on the couch when they watch their favorite shows, and tucks them into bed at night and wishes them sweet dreams. It's not like I expected such a creature never to enter their lives, I always knew that this would one day happen. I just never expected it to hurt as much as it does.

So, today is Friday, yeah! My boys come home and I get to feel whole again. Tonight I will just sit and watch them as they play in the yard and marvel at how much bigger they've gotten in seven days. This weekend I will cuddle them an extra bit and remind them how much I love them. And this week when life is crazy and hectic with it being the last week of school and all our sporting events I will try and slow down and enjoy my children a little bit more.

Perfection

I laid in bed last night for quite a while trying to come up with what to write about...what craziness has happened recently that would make people shake their heads. Unfortunately at this point and time there is nothing much I can post about as we are headed back to court on Wednesday...yes, you read correctly. Four and a half years into it and we are still battling things out in court. It could be a Visa commercial...4 1/2 years of lawyers = $25,000, 8 appearances in front of a judge = more grey hairs than the best hairdresser can cover up, still no agreement after all that = WASTE OF TIME! But I'm not bitter or angry about it all...really! So, short of that...wish me luck on Wednesday, maybe by this time next week it will finally be over...maybe.

I was emailing with a friend of mine this morning and he put an idea in my head that I really wanted to share. We were talking about his work (or lack thereof right now) and his busy household of three very young children, much like mine. And he mentioned that when it came to his work he was a perfectionist, to his detrement. Always nit picking at something, spending hours making things "just right", wondering if maybe he could have done something a bit different in order to make it more "perfect". At the same time constantly wondering why this idea of "perfection" is so important. I find myself wondering that on a daily basis. I told him that I too find myself questioning my perfectionism, wondering why it's so important to me.

I was actually voted "most perfect" in high school, which by the way is a horrible category for any high school girl to win...holy set me up for a lifetime of never being able to live up to a standard! At the time, I'm sure the teacher thought it was a funny exercise, an end of the year time waster. For what it's worth I was also voted most likely to marry my high school sweetheart and most likely to have three chidren (if only we could have seen the future!) But I'm getting sidetracked. I am a perfectionist at being a parent. I need to be perfect at it, and I drive myself crazy trying to make that happen. I want to always make the best choices for the boys, the smartest choices, the safest choices, the choices that help them grow up to be incredible people. I agonize over every decision I make, even something as small as what to send them for lunch on a school day. Did I put enough food? Not enough food? What if they are still thirsty after all their water is gone? What if someone makes fun of them because they don't have "cool" food? My list of concerns could go on and on, really...enough to drive the sanest person crazy!

Next year the boys will be going to a new school and I agonized over that decision. This new school is just being built, great principal, great teachers and closer to home. No more 45 minute commute to school everyday. But I'm taking them away from the friends that they have, the teachers they are comfortable with and a school that is very well known for it's academics. What if it's the wrong decision? But this new school could be even better, right? My ex-husband thinks that this makes me flighty. That I am constantly changing my mind about things or going back on decisions. I think it makes me a mother. I am always reading and researching, finding out new and better ways to raise my boys. I often find research that contradicts what I'm currently thinking/doing and it makes me think...."Am I really doing this the best way or is this new study/research/method something to consider"? I find myself parenting very differently now than I did when my oldest was born almost 8 years ago...and I think that's a great thing.

I guess it all comes down to decisions. We, as parents, make the best decisions we can for our children. That's our job. We do the best we can with the information that we have (or can google) and we hope at the end of the day they are the right ones.

The reason for this blog

Although one of the reasons for this blog is to just write about my crazy life and the things that go on. The other reasons, the bigger reasons are Jacob (bottom), Connor (top) and Ty(middle). I could probably go on and on about them, bore you to death with pictures of them from the time they were seconds old until present day. But this is my recent favorite. If you have children you know how difficult it is to get all of them together for a picture, let alone all smiling.

There always needs to be a beginning

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to write a story about my life, the things that happen on a day to day basis. The things that make people shake their heads and wonder how I haven't yet ended up in the looney bin. These people seem to think that my story would be a best seller, much like Tori Spelling (except I didn't have a super rich father and grow up in a mansion the size of a city block) or of Barack Obama (except I'm not the president) I often wonder if maybe their lives are just a bit on the boring side and so they look forward to my daily installment of "As Robyn's World Turns" and think it would be exciting to see my name up next to other famous/cray people! I often have thought about it, more just to get it all out there on paper and stop it from rattling around in my head. Except I've come to a realization....I don't know where to start!

Do I start at the very beiginning in a "And so I was born" type of way, or just at the beginning of the craziness? Except I don't know where the craziness actually begins! Do I start with a wedding, a pregnancy, the birth of a baby (or two or three?!?!) or a divorce. It's really hard to pinpoint where the craziness really begins. And so I've decided to start here, start with today. I'm sure there will be lots of backtracking, lots of filling in the blanks for those who decide to ask questions (hopefully there will be followers to ask questions!) and in general lots of craziness in general. Hence the title of my blog...A mom, three boys and a whole lot of craziness. Welcome to the ride!